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I didn't know what was going to happen when I finally talked to Deadringer. I wanted him to tell me what happened in the Tower exactly. I wanted him to give me that answer I was searching for, a way to end the Deadmares once for all. Hell, I almost wanted him to give me a reason to attack him. I just wanted something that would give me some closure.
But in talking with him, he gave me something else. It wasn't the big pot of gold at the end of the rainbow I was blindly racing for. No, what he gave me was something that I now realize was what I wanted, but just couldn't bring myself to admit it. Perspective. I wanted so badly to believe that there was an answer to every problem I had, and that coming out here would shed some light on it. It shed some light alright, but not on the answer I wanted. There wasn't any grand revelation, divine intervention, or whatever other bullshit I was foolishly hoping for. No, Deadringer only gave me the truth.
The Deadmare aren't going away, if they do we're probably going with them. There's no magic button or word that can eradicate them, they just are and we're the ones that have to live with them. I've always had this fear that we would be consumed by them, by NecroNet, and the whole world would have really ended. But even now as I realize that they're going to be around for longer than I can live, I keep thinking back to something he said. "They were supposed to protect ponies." I wanted to punch him, drag him to the ground and pummel him in, even if it did end with up with me getting killed. But I didn't. I didn't because he made his point and the fact of the matter is I can't argue with it.
The Deadmare, they'll always be around. But taking out the ones that are an immediate danger, that's still progress. That still gives some hope, shouldn't it? That eventually we won't have to fear them anymore. What am I saying, I'm the one who fears them. I'm the one who can't stand looking at them for too long. I'm the one that wants them all gone and I'm the one that came here because I just wanted so badly to do something right. But this whole time... I guess the wrong thing was the one I was trying to do right.
That ends today. No more chasing dreams, no more hoping for a holy answer. The fact of the matter is the Deadmare... the bad ones still exist, and even after everything they cost me, I'm still alive. I'm still trying, and I'm not going to stop until I'm lying dead. I'll survive and hopefully do something to make things better... no, peaceful back home. The least I can do is still keep the populace safe.
I'm done chasing my lies. From now on I'll let those better than me chase answers to big questions. I already got my answers, and the brass will have to live with the ones I give them. Until then, I still have a gem tag around my neck and a home where I have a duty to fulfill.
Coming out here open my eyes, and the ponies here in town... I can't thank them enough. Especially you. You know who you are, I can't think of anypony else who has access to this. So if you are reading this, and I hope you are, just letting you know I might be gone before we can get a chance to say goodbye in person. If that's the case, all I can say is thank you, for being there when I was at my lows and my highs, and for helping me realize I still have a chance.
Thank you. Tell the others that too if you can.
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